Written by: Bob

Losing 15-9 to the Yankees after being up 9 to nothing is the best thing that could happen to the Red Sox, and I hope this trend will continue. In a few years, I predict the following good things will happen:

10) The bullpen car is brought back. Wally the Green Monster is tragically run over by the bullpen car and is forced into retirement.

9) Fans must pass a baseball knowledge test before they are allowed in the stadium. Anyone who doesn’t know the difference between a “walk” and a “balk” will be denied entry.

The concept of “family friendly” Fenway is eliminated. Beer will continue to be sold until 2 hours after the game, beer can be bought from your seat, and beer will be served in glass bottles so you can throw them at any player who is underperforming or eating fried chicken.

7) They sell only the following concession items: hot dogs, beer, soda, peanuts, and cracker jacks. Anyone who asks for wine, clam chowder, or an iced latte will be beaten with a rubber hose.

6) Jimmy Fallon and his horrible attempt at a Boston accent gets banned from Fenway for life. Fever Pitch is recast with people who are actual Red Sox fans with real Boston accents. Fallon is replaced by a belligerent drunk who whistles and heckles the other team the whole time. Drew Barrymore is replaced by Jenna Jameson.

5) The Sox management stops spending money like a drunken sailor, actually grows (and keeps) talent from the farm system, and recruits players that can play baseball without the need for fried chicken, beer, and whining about the schedule.

4) Fair weather/pink hat fans will stop going to games, making it possible to actually buy tickets on the day of the game at face value. The owners of Stub Hub, Ace Ticket, and the other extortion rackets are forced to work concessions at the games to make ends meet.

3) A new Fenway policy states that pink hats, iPads, and laptops will be smashed and burned on site. Cell phones are allowed before the game to call your bookie.

2) “Sweet Caroline” is replaced by “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” by Drowning Pool.

1) John Henry sells the team to someone who cares about baseball and has never heard of the Liverpool football team. In an ironic twist of fate, John Henry’s luxury yacht is destroyed by a cargo ship piloted by a guy watching a Red Sox game on his marine TV set.