Though
it may seem ironic, single parents actually have a distinct advantage
when it comes to spending quality time with their children. Married,
or otherwise committed, partners will tend to confide in and interact
with each other when the business of their days is over. As a consequence
of this, their children oftentimes will be left to entertain or
occupy themselves.
A mom
who works all day and doesn't have a partner will only have her
children to communicate with when she gets home. This kind of situation
allows for a depth of bonding and emotional exchange that might
not be possible in a family arrangement involving children and two
partners whose priority it is to give attention to each other.
There
is the danger, however, that we parents living in these kinds of
circumstances will be tempted to turn our children into our best
buddies. Instead of being authorities and setting healthy boundaries,
we'll tend to draw our children too much into our own adult dramas.
While it is beneficial for children to have some knowledge about
what goes on in their parents' lives, we cross the line when we
get them emotionally involved in our struggles. Griping to them
about our issues at work, for example, can give them a negative
image of work in general. They might carry this image with them
into adulthood.
Our
desires for intimacy and companionship, and the conflicts we experience
with other adults, are also issues that we would do well to keep
separate from our communications with our children. Our openness
in these areas will likely only confuse them, since they are not
yet equipped to understand these kinds of needs or problems. They
might be filled with a desire to help us and have no idea how to
go about doing so. They might wonder why they aren't enough to keep
us happy.
If
we find ourselves in the compromised position of being single parents,
we can at least take advantage of the opportunity that this affords
us to interact more closely with our children than we could have
if we'd had a partner competing for our attention. However, we should
be careful lest we be tempted to let our children bear the burdens
our partners might have borne - for example, by being confidantes
and sympathetic ears for us.
If
we hold to healthy boundaries, then we can cultivate closeness with
our children while still allowing them to be young. At the same
time, this will allow us to be adults rather than grown-up kids
when we are around them. They need to understand that there is a
difference between the adult world and their own, and we risk blurring
that distinction when we confide too much in them out of our need
for companionship on an adult level.
