Many experts, parents, and writers have written about the difficulties
of divorce and the negative impacts that divorce exerts upon children.
It may be less apparent that divorce exerts a powerful effect on
adult children. This article looks at how divorce can change the
whole world view of an adult child.
As a child of divorce, expect that divorce will have immediate and long-delayed
effects on your life. If your parents divorce when you are an
adult, the effects are a little harder to understand. Here are some
examples to consider. The first example is that your parents lived
together for all of your childhood and you left the nest with a
feeling of security. You didn't have to worry about your parents
because they would always take care of each other. When they got
divorced, one or both parents may have moved on to other relationships.
If one parent doesn't, then you feel a greater responsibility to
communicate with that parent and think about how the future will
be for him/her living alone and growing older. At the same time,
your single parent may not want your help, but feel lonely and complain
when your other siblings engage in little or no communication.
You may find that your parent becomes more emotionally dependent on
you because of the lack of other family members and a spouse. Another
possibility is that you resent your other parent's new spouse and
find it hard to treat the new spouse as more than a friend of the
family. Both scenarios are uncomfortable. From now on, every time
you have a family event such as a wedding, a christening, a graduation,
or the birth of a child, it can be awkward when both parents are
present, maybe even more awkward if the remarried parent brings
the new spouse. It also depends on them and how successfully they
can interact around the family in their divorced state.
In another example, if your parents divorce prior to your own marriage or in
the early years of your new marriage, their breakup can negatively impact your
actions, needs, and expectations from your own marriage. If your parents were
no longer able to live together, you may feel less enthusiastic (and perhaps
more realistic) about whether your marriage will stand the test of time. Another
possibility is that your new spouse is a child whose parents are still married
and therefore has no understanding of your resentments and mixed feelings about
the divorce and interacting with stepparents.
Here is advice for what you can do. Spend a lot of time talking with your parents,
your significant other, your friends, and your siblings until you can make peace
with the divorce. Professional counseling may be appropriate for some people
who can't sort through it on their own. You may never understand the reasons
why your parents split up, but you can learn to accept their separate lives
now. The next advice is to reevaluate your own feelings about marriage and divorce.
If you are married or about to get married, it is important to avoid letting
your feelings about your parents strain or destroy your relationship. You don't
have to be bound by the failure of your parents' marriage. Your marriage
can succeed and survive the long haul.
Marriage is a day-to-day commitment. Yes, it takes a lot of compromise.
Yes, you have to give up more of yourself and your own wants, desires,
and dreams to coexist with your spouse. Your marriage will experience
bad times and good times, periods of bliss and periods of extreme
unhappiness. If you are truly committed to this relationship, you
will find ways to make things work no matter what life throws at
you. Remember, you don't have to fail at marriage just because
your parents did.- Angela Baca
